Are You There?

Lonely

‘Lonely’ by Sangeetha Bansal

Tell me, whisper it,
I’m aching to know,
is it a yes
or a definite no?
Find me in my dreams
and make it known,
’cause I think of you far more
than I have carefully shown.

Do you still think of me
now that there’s no tomorrow,
when ‘we’ means absolutely nothing
and memories bring painful sorrow?

Do you still love me
now that you cannot stand me,
’cause we don’t talk to each other anymore,
about as distant as we can be?

Do you still hold me,
now that I’m out of your reach,
and our vow to love each other 
has come to a ghastly breach?

Do I still matter
now that you have a wife,
and old things have passed away,
and you love your new life?

If you tell me in my dreams,
I’ll know if it’s true,
and if you say it’s a no,
I won’t feel so blue.
I miss you and love you,
and although I’ve grown,
if you say it’s a yes,
I won’t feel so alone.

For My Lady

I Saw a Man

touchhd a man

‘Sandra’ by Shairi Turner

You are but a boy;
you made me a girlish woman.
Woman had the hots for boy?
I was naive- I’m only human.

You’ve run off to play your games;
yet, I know I will be just fine.
I feel foolish for feeling something;
I could have sworn you were all mine.

Oh boy, yes, you wore the perfect mask.
Now I need deep cleansing and a ‘no-costume’ ban.
‘Cause on the day that I first saw your face,
I was so damn sure- what I saw was a man.

{in numb, slightly girlish voice}
I saw a man
I saw a man
I saw a man
I saw a man
I saw a man
I saw a man
I saw a man
If I knew you were a boy,
I’d have stuck to my first plan.

{with crying and regret}
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
If I knew you were a boy,
I’d have said goodbye and ran.

{with screaming and anger}
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!
I saw a man!

{fades}

This is not a poem per se; it’s a song. I just need some help with recording it. I already know what it sounds like; I can almost hear it.
trans
Around 7.30 pm this evening, I found myself scribbling so fast, and the above is what I got after a few changes. I wrote so quickly, hence, the almost-illegible writing. If I ever get to record and/or perform this piece, I want the chorus to carry the emotions. I want it to be as powerful as the chorus in Patto’s 1970s piece, ‘The Man’
Listen to it. The chorus begins at around 4 minutes into the video:

The Cycle

GetAttachment

She holds the key to your heart,
after you hand it over to her,
and when things don’t work out between you,
she throws the key at you.
You pick the key up,
turn it anticlockwise to lock it,
and for some reason,
tell yourself that she has locked it for good,
as if she has the power to.

When you hold the key
to the heart of a new “she”,
after she hands it over to you,
you delightfully throw the key at her
when things don’t work out between you.
She picks the key up,
turns it anticlockwise to lock it,
and for some reason,
tells herself that you have locked it for good,
as if you have the power to.

Each person nurses their pain
and doctors their true feelings,
dwelling on past pain,
staying away from true healing,
until something or someone
shows up to show them

that the heart does not,
the heart does not need,
the heart does not need a key, anyway.

8 Steps to Moving On from a Union/Relationship

As a clairsentient tarot/oracle card-reader, I have told people to “please move on” from relationships that they needed to leave or accept their end, several times, without actually guiding them through how to. Based on my personal/non-personal experiences, it never works that way. One minute you’re like “yeah, of course, my mama didn’t raise a weakling, plus romantic relationships are for losers”, the next minute you’re listening to “insert heartbreak song”, crying yourself to sleep, if you can gather enough strength to.

Before I go into the 8 steps, as per the title, I came across a Mooji video and I would like to go over the lessons from it with you first:
a. You must not try to catch anyone; you are not a spider. If you are insecure and you feel unworthy when you are all by yourself—if you don’t feel beautiful/intelligent/amazing until someone tells you you are—a love/romantic relationship is the very last thing you want to be in. Deal with those insecurities first. You need to heal your inner child first.
b.  Watch out for a tendency to cling. Relationships don’t work by trying to make them work. There must be freedom in a union; there is no need to “hold”/own anyone.
c. Inner strength, wisdom, and clarity are important qualities for anyone in a union. Without these things, nothing lasts, and nothing is fully/truly enjoyed.
d. Relationships are not meant to be secured/kept; they are to be enjoyed. Intension creates tension. When you are empty of any kind of need—to be approved of, to be loved by anyone in particular—you find peace. When you are free/at peace within yourself, everything and everyone wants to be with you. Separate what you (think you) want from what you really need for the sake of your own self-development.

e. How much you have “invested” or given in a relationship doesn’t matter. It is not an insurance plan. Don’t make it one.

To move on from a relationship that no longer serves you, perhaps, one that never served you, or one that destroyed your self-esteem and hurt you much more than it provided healing and happiness to you, before/after you remove yourself from your head and your emotions, before/after separating yourself from the pain and hurt and removing yourself from the upheaval, these are things that you should consider:

1. Acceptance & Hope:
Accept that it really is over. The longer you continue to tell yourself that it is not, although you know very well that it is, the more delay you would be causing to your healing. You would be causing yourself more pain than you deserve by doing so. This may take you a while, as this is the most-painful step of all. Take your time. 

Be hopeful that there will always be something better- a better feeling, a better experience, true happiness. Trust that God/the universe will always bring what’s yours to you. Whether or not someone “better” than them comes into the picture is not the point; it is not something that you should worry about. Trust that if your heart did not fit in a particular person’s “compartment” (for long/forever), as much as you tried to shove it in, it can fit in someone else’s, and there will be no shoving, covering or “squeezing-in” necessary. However, trust that your heart is okay all by itself; it does not need to fit into anyone or anything to be happy.

Whether it is the affection, the intimacy, the “satisfaction”, or anything else that you found in this person that you doubt if you will find in anyone else, be hopeful that there will be better times ahead when you get yourself out of the rut, get yourself out of your head, and look ahead to what is next, the bigger picture, at your own pace. Be hopeful that what is good for you will be given to you, what you need, what is really valuable, as opposed to what you think you need/can’t do without.

Hope.jpg

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

2. Forgiveness:
Forgive yourself. Forgive the other person. Whether you feel/think it was your fault that it ended or it was their fault, accept that everything went on exactly as it was designed to, to teach you the lessons that you need to learn. There was nothing you could have done to change the current outcome. If you slept with them, or felt that you were vulnerable/open/trusting with them (and it hurts your emotions/ego, in a way, that you were), forgive yourself and forgive them. Free yourself. Don’t hold any resentment in. This experience is supposed to be a catalyst for something greater; don’t hinder your soul’s growth.

Forgiveness

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

3. Self-Pride:
A queen! A king! That is what you are, and I’m not saying it because everyone is a queen/king these days. It’s because it is true. Be proud of all that you were, you are, and will be. You are worthy of love and healing, and new, happy beginnings in life. There will only be one of you on this earth; be mindful of what you do to this one you- how you treat him/her, how you treat yourself.

be proud

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

4. Self-Love:
Hold yourself. Be proud of yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Hold yourself. Appreciate yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. Embrace them all. When you love yourself, you will seek to improve yourself. Right?

Don’t love yourself for that person, so they would notice that you’re all good without them. You would be doing it all wrong. Improve yourself for you. Forget about them. Seek to know you, to be with you, to be comfortable and happy with you- with your own self.

self love2

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

5. Letting Go/Release:
“Will he come back?”
“Will she come back?”
“Will he/she apologize?”
“Will they break up?”
“Will he/she suffer too?”
Oh, no! Your spirit-guides are telling you to let go. If you are hesitant about letting go, because you’ve held on to the pain for a while and you don’t know what you are without it, give it to your guides. They will take care of it for you. Give your worries and desires and all your secret/open wishes to your helpers. Say a prayer about it. They will hold your hurt for you. They will take care of it, and heal it. They never let go.

You, however, need to let go, to let grow, to forgive/forget about all these things that are still holding you back, things that are still making you suffer. If you don’t let go, you will hurt yourself and your current/future relationships. “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”- Malachy McCourt (1998).

let go

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

6. Nature:
Have you ever taken a sit close to a sea or a river and just felt the serenity and peace? Rinsed your faced after bawling your eyes out, perhaps? Or spent time in a garden of flowers? Or spent time in a nice building with art? Or just stayed outdoors and watched people walk by? Instead of sitting at home, allowing yourself to be miserable, go out. Clear your head. Forget about meeting another person for now, especially if the separation is fresh. This is what people tend to do- look for replacements very quickly when a lot of issues need attention/healing. They settle for less or repeat cycles all over again because they want to avoid the learning [which is also the painful] process. Retreat and find healing first. Now is the time for you, the time for your self-development, the time to go over what you have learnt/should be learning, the time to enter into a new phase.

nature.jpg

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

7. Fun & Playfulness:
Yes, I said take some time to be with yourself, to feel nature’s serenity and peace, but you also need to do something fun. You are not alone in this world, in both the spiritual/physical realm. If you have good friends/family members, you can rely on them at this time. However, be mindful of the kind of people that you spend time with, because they could either aid your movement to the right direction/choices or mar it. Cheer up!

have fun

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

8. Strength:
I find strength in expressing myself through poetry when I experience confusing/intense feelings. Lately, I’ve been having this intense urge to learn how to draw/paint, although the last time I checked, I couldn’t draw a decent stick figure. Haha! You might find strength in the arts—writing, painting, singing, drawing—in designing, in researching, in whatever, in praying. Do more of these healthy/productive things that make you feel better. Drugs and alcohol will take you down a very dangerous path. You’ve already been through so much; don’t do worse things to yourself in your quest to help/calm yourself. The only way to stop thinking about something is to think about something else. Whether or not this person will return or do anything else should be none of your business now (or ever). Discover your strengths; they help you stay strong in tough times.

Strength

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

I give free readings if you want one; DM me on Instagram [aderiounke] or send me an email. If you need to find strength/confide in anyone, I am always here to listen and help. Think about these things that I have mentioned. Love, happiness, peace, growth, and light!

A Damn Mess

I was licking my wounds
but you stopped me.
You wanted to do it
so I let you.
You licked and sucked till
my wounds became scars.
Then, you cut me again
at the exact same spots.

So, here I am, a damn mess,
studying our synastry chart
for the 50th time,
fiddling with tarot cards,
tiredlessly hoping you’d come back.
I want your tongue and yours alone,
and I know that even if you return,
you would lick me up
so you can cut me again.

I’m Not a Bloody Playtime Pool

Drown

Painted by Brian Kirhagis

You wanted to be let in,
into the flow of my emotions,
into the depths of my feelings.
Why do you want to leave now?
Oh!
You have your life to live now?

I asked if you could swim
and you said “yes”,
you’d do anything to get in.

Is it too cold for you now?
Is my water too dirty for you,
too contaminated for your soul?
Do your lifeguards want you out now?

Were you looking to find fishes in me,
to feed them and keep them for your use?
Are you disappointed that there are none?
Do you wish that I was more salty?
Have you found a different water?

Why don’t you talk to me?
I don’t want you out of me;
your presence satisfies me.
I am so used to you;
I don’t know what to do.

You can’t just make me trust you
and then mess up.
Cum, tears, sweat, blood, pee;
how do I separate all of you from me?

You see, this is the kind of shit that…
*whew!*
…this is the kind of stuff
that gets motherfuckers drowned.
I’m not a bloody playtime pool.

I’m a sea.

-Yemoja 

Dead Love III

They didn’t fall out of love with you.

Love itself is a paradise-like pit;
where else can anyone possibly fall into
if they fall out?

They climbed out of the love you shared
without you.

You felt their footsteps;
you just chose to ignore it,
or get used to their struggling to get out,
while convincing yourself that they were
drawing closer to you.

Perhaps, you simply watched them leave
because there was nothing you could do.
Someone was helping them get out;
a paradise-like pit had been dug,
an old, slightly-covered one,
or a new one, out of the blue,
and you never knew.

Dead Love II

You didn’t fall out of love with me.

My heart’s legs are badly injured;
yours look intact to me.

You pushed me out of it;
you took “me” out of “we”.

‘No Use’ is Abuse II

She used to miss him more
when they were together
than she does now.
His absence was difficult
to deal with when he was present;
it isn’t now.

I’m Fableous

Jealousy by Saatchi Art

“Jealousy” by Anna PS

Yes,
I’m
(jealous because you are
doing fine without me)
excellently well,
thank you.