Don’t ever begin a story with “allow me to/let me describe/tell you a story about…”
Unfortunately, it doesn’t build tension like “allow me to/let me show you my breasts.”
Who am I deceiving? Even that is not the best a person can do. Just showing the breasts without any warning would probably turn the other on fas― never mind. That would not work for a writer. The anticipation is necessary, but it shouldn’t be too slow.
The reader, who may not be someone who fancies stories that much, might just turn to the next article when you begin with “this is a story about…”
Be a little more aggressive.
Instead of “this is a story about a guy with large buttocks”, try “damn, his buttocks were large!” I’m not sure about “that ass was fat!” It’s not a bad idea. The more traditional writers who are reading this are probably thinking “oh wow, this writer is such a perverse lady”. Haha. I apologize, sir, madam.
The reader goes “how large, dammit? Jeez!”
You go “I’m talking large, round, fleshy, XL…” or “as(s) large as(s)…”
The above would not have the same effect as “her buttocks were large”. I chose “his” on purpose- so it wouldn’t be so sexual, so it’d be funny instead.
It could be something else; it shouldn’t always be about butts and stuff.
For some reason, “buttocks” was the first example I thought of.